I started my third round of therapy a while back. At the time, I had specific behaviours in mind that I wanted to work on. Trauma and anxiety based ticks that really bug me. My relationship with food being another trigger point that I wanted to focus on. Then, the usual peaks and troughs of life happened and the therapy organically becomes what it needs to be for that moment in time – the funny thing is, the ticks and quirks seem to be taking care of themselves within that.
I’m writing today because I need to get it all out. Writing is my release and the events of the last few months need clearing to make space. I’m really sad this week but let’s begin with the good stuff, eh?
I posted this transformation photo a few weeks ago and I’m incredibly proud of myself and what I’ve achieved in a year. Bugger the humble brag, I’m bragging and I don’t give a flying fuck! It’s not really about the physical transformation; although don’t get me wrong, feeling better when you look in the mirror does help overall. It’s about everything that’s happened and what I’ve achieved in the past 12 months. I began getting up every morning and doing a wee bit of dancing to music I feel like listening to that day. It wasn’t very consistent to begin with and with my health conditions, I initially lasted about 10 minutes before I was gubbed. Now I’m giving it laldy for up to 40 minutes at a time and let me tell you, what a way to start the day. I guarantee you’re smiling by the end of it. Some days it’s old school to get all nostalgic for the 90’s, sometimes it’s disco and sometimes it’s still banging techno so I can pretend I’m young again.
My last post was about how I was learning to love myself again and I suppose this post is explaining how I got there. A few folk commented on my transformation post so thought I’d let you lucky lot into my process.
I’ve always craved a routine, it’s always eluded me. Therefore, I craved it more. It made me more miserable that I wasn’t able to achieve a seemingly normal routine life. The thing is; looking back, apart from working in an industry where that’s just about nigh on impossible. My mental health would never have allowed a routine even if I’d been able to try. My therapist and I had discussed this need and want many times but it was still elusive to me by the end of my last round of therapy.
Lo and behold, the winter of 2019 brought with it the dreaded pandemic that we are still in the clutches of and although this has been difficult in so many ways. It was also a bit of a blessing for me. It was during the first lockdown that I was finally able to start getting my shit together. I can’t verbalise enough the difference beginning simple healthy daily habits had and still has on me and my overall health. I knew that the key was to start with one thing and get that going before adding anything more. I know me and I know that if I had tried to do it all at once then I’d have become frustrated and fucked it all.
Dancing was the beginning, then I added going to bed and getting up at the same time every day. It would have been so easy in isolation to turn night into day and vice versa but all that would have achieved for me would have been a good bout of depression and I knew that would be the case so that was my next step. I go to bed at 10pm every night unless I have something on and I originally began getting up between 7-7:30am. That’s more like 6am these days but I enjoy being up at that time now as I naturally have more energy in the morning (I annoy the living hell out of most of my pals with my cheery morning repertoire…….).
Food and walking the dogs were the next ones. It’s shite cooking for one person so I had gotten into a horrible wee habit of eating takeaway and rubbish all too often and It wasn’t making feel very good. Diet is important with fibromyalgia and the more processed crap you consume, the more you feel crap physically. I joined a facebook group called Team Rh and have lost around 2 stone since the beginning of the year. I’m not going to lie, this has been the most difficult for me to keep consistent with and I have struggled with comfort or binge eating. As mentioned, its been a busy and stressful few months and I hope I’m getting on top of that now with therapy and trying to understand why I want to binge. It’s about more than just losing weight, I crave a healthy relationship with food. My own body hang ups mean that losing weight makes me feel better about myself. I’d love to not give a fuck but I do so I will try to get to a weight I’m comfortable with for me. This time though, I’m doing it sensibly. A consistent caloric deficit due to all of the above is more than achievable. The reality is, I’m eating more than I ever have. I’m just eating more of the right things and seeing the results I want. I’m in no way endorsing diet culture or fat shaming, this is just a healthy choice for myself and my life.
Then, there’s the dogs. My wee pack have kept me going through many dark days and having them gives me a comfort as well as company living alone. Their daft antics keep a smile on my face daily, but they also keep me accountable. They have needs and even if I’m having a shit day; they still need walked, watered and fed. Walking them consistently is the last thing on my list and something I really enjoy. Getting outside and walking them not only helps with my physical quest, being outside is really grounding and good for the old mental health. Ensuring I get at least 10,000 steps in each day has been a huge struggle at times but something I’m determined about. So it’s me dragging the divas out in all weathers to get my my steps in.
Sorry folks, this is turning into a saga but hey ho. I promise I won’t ramble on much longer. I’m going to leave the sad stuff for now, I’m not quite ready to share it with the world at large but what I will quickly say is that as always my friends and family are the very best. Your never ending support means more than you will all ever know and I’m eternally grateful that you are all in my life. There’s much more laughter and hilarity than ever before, making the tough times bearable. Thank you.
I’ll finish with the the thing that I’m most proud of and grateful for. It’s easy to underestimate the power of having a purpose in life, something that makes you tick and work for. I decided to try and go back to studying and was accepted on to a course which encompasses my love to write as well as various other useful subjects for the future. Living with fibromyalgia, I knew this was going to be a challenge. Doing it all via zoom, doubly so.
But, through much sweat and tears and feeling like a stupid old woman a lot of the time. I bloody managed it and am continuing in September.
Fibromyalgia robs you of memory; the old fibro fog (still hate these sayings) means that if I’m over tired, I forget my name never mind anything else. I only have so many productive brain hours in the day before it becomes counterproductive but despite all of that and some other curveballs along the way, I got an A for my graded unit this year. I wrote a children’s picture book to support kids whose parents have chronic, lifelong and invisible illnesses. I’m immensely proud of this achievement and this is another not so humble brag!
It’s easy to fall into the pits of despair when something devastating and unbearably sad happens and it’s more than Ok to sit with that sadness. In fact, you absolutely must sit with those feelings. it’s the only way to process and heal.
This post has been a brain dump for me to remind myself that although I’m sad and upset and my mental health is taking a bit of a battering this week. At the end of it, all of the above is a huge list of things to be grateful for and proud of. That’s progress for me, my immediate reaction wasn’t to go get absolutely wrecked or to hide under the covers unwashed for days. It was to take what I’m feeling and sit with it.
I’ve used the coping mechanism of keeping busy but that’s a much healthier scenario than drinking myself into oblivion or any other such nonsense. I hope that some of this resonates and even helps someone out there have a wee bit of hope. Even when you don’t think you can, with a wee bit of determination anything is possible. Keep going, it’s absolutely worth it.
Big Love
How did it get to this? 